A few months ago I did a Q&A with Ralf from Thoughts On Difference. The Below was featured on his IG account.

Q: When you think about your self perception of your body. Which percentage of it does your right arm have and how much is this percentage influenced by society?

A: I would say that if it wasn’t for societies perception of difference I would have had an easier transition to body positivity but this is not a social issue exclusive to disability. I have never really identified with my “disability”. I have always found my own way to carry out tasks and they become second nature meaning I forget that I am doing them differently. Even my family and friends say that they forget about my arm because it doesn’t stop me doing anything. The only time I realise that I have “one hand” is when I catch people staring when I’m out in public or I’m told that I “can’t do that” or “will find that hard”, though this is something I have noticed less and less with age.

Q: Has your disability been a theme when thinking or discussing about planning life with your partner?

A: Not for him. I have always had my hang ups about how society would see me as a bride and a mum but for him it’s not even part of the discussion. He has never seen my arm as a disability, always reminds me that I can do anything I put my mind to and if I find a task hard he will help me find a way. In fact he is one of the people who tells me he forgets that I am seen as “disabled”.

Q: You have a tattoo on your right arm. Was it a concrete decision to put it on that arm and not on the left?

A: Definitely, once I hit my 20’s I began to accept myself as I was born and chose to stop seeing the stares from the public I wanted to celebrate the end of a long journey. I wanted to decorate my difference to own it, celebrate it for myself and it also gives the general public something to look at when they see my arm. I didn’t expect it but it has been a positive way for people to start a discussion about my arm with “oh, I love your tattoo” rather than it being the elephant in the room.

Q: When you see yourself on a picture, do you become more aware of your limb difference than you are in your
everyday life? And would you decribe this awareness as more positive or negative?

A: This has been a constant battle. In my teen years all I wanted to do was blend into the crowd and with a limb difference this is a hard task. So I used to hide it in pictures and if I hadn’t managed to do it well I would find it very uncomfortable to look at. This continued through until very recently. When we booked our wedding photographer I asked her to try and not take pictures with my arm in. she rightly responded by telling me that she would capture the day as it happens, in the moment. When I received the wedding gallery it took me a few looks through before I was comfortable looking at them but I eventually began to love them. Even if they show my difference they captured me in my element and surrounded by love. From then on I have slowly stopped trying to hide my arm in pictures and at our most recent photoshoot as a family it didn’t even cross my mind.  

Q: Altough you are born with your limb difference, do you sometimes feel physically incomplete (not compared to society’s standards, just by yourself)?

A: I genuinely feel that I have 2 hands a majority of the time. I have to really think about it to comprehend and acknowledge that I’m seen to have something “missing”. I have all the same sensations on both my hand and the end of my right arm. As my arm is essentially an underdeveloped hand I have 5 fingers, wrist movement and I have grasping motion so it feels no different. Although I cannot compare this feeling to having 2 “normal” hands I feel like I was born whole and the way I was supposed to be.  

Q: When you meet people for the first time as a mother, how often do they react to you as a mother with a disability and in which way they do react?

A: I feel like I can see some peoples thought process of “how does she do A,B,C…” but I just take peace in the fact that as they see Noah and I interact they will realise that my arm plays no factor in my ability as a mother.

Q: When you meet a person with limb difference, do you feel more connected to her/him in a certain way than to
other persons?

A: Yes! Though this is very rare in the UK, I always feel that others that have grown up with a limb difference understand you on a different level.  

Q: Normally when people meet they reach their right hand, does this cause sometimes confusion, when you greet people by reaching hands?

A: Hand shaking has always been a source of anxiety for me! I remember the first time I experienced the awkward moment of presenting my left hand to someone’s right and having to give an awkward upside-down handshake. I was only 5 years old and helping give a tour of my school to a governor and I remember even then thinking “wow, that’s awkward”! unfortunately the position I now work in requires a lot of these awkward moments so I have started trying to get my left hand out there first In the hope that the other person will adapt but this doesn’t happen often. so I am just having to embrace it and not let it bother me.

Q: What would you say you have learned or experienced, what you wouldn’t, if you had no limb difference?

A: I feel like my journey has developed a resilience and strength within me that I perhaps wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t been born with my arm. It has taught me to persevere with tasks even if they are hard or seem impossible. It has taught me to ignore societies standards of “perfect” or “able” and defy others expectations rather than aiming to blend into the crowd.  

Q: Since Nemo we know the term “lucky fin”, which is also name giving for the @luckyfinproject. Do you or your parents, friends have or had a special name for your arm?

A: Mostly I just call it my “arm” but we used to call it my “little arm”. when I was at school me and my friends used to name my fingers for some reason! Unfortunately I can’t remember what we called them now.   

Q: Do you have any final words?

A: I just hope that through sharing stories like mine parents starting their journey with a child with a limb difference can see that it will not hold them back at all, it won’t impact their development or stop them from hitting milestones but it will teach them greater problem solving skills and give them a stronger sense of self. I hope that others like me will be brave enough to continue sharing their stories. Slowly but surely this will  change societies narrative around difference and ability for future generations.