My Silent Storm

Growing up with a limb difference certainly makes you resilient and for me I learnt to have thicker skin early on. I think this initially made my teen years seem easier than expected. School life was the usual experience and I was fortunate enough to not experience any bullying which I know was a particular concern for my parents at the time. I would always enjoy proving people wrong when it came to them limiting my abilities before I had even attempted an activity or sport.

On the surface all was going well, even to me. But then I started adapting behaviours to try and conceal my difference. the overwhelming want to blend in and be normal suddenly hit me and I internalised it. In the midst of the introduction of social media and being bombarded with images of slim, ‘normal bodied’, beautiful celebrities I did not fit in. I was not the norm therefore not enough.

In order to attempt concealing my difference I would NEVER leave the house without a long sleeve. I would carry myself with my arm so close to my body that it would almost vanish. At times this became an issue because I was caught short without a long sleeve and then refused to go out in public missing out on trips or socialising with friends. And, although it’s hard to believe in England, sometimes it would be too hot for jumpers and coats but that wouldn’t stop me layering up. This resulted in heat stroke on several occasions. This space in time is hugely apparent due to the lack of photos of me as a teen.

Now I know that body image is a hot topic, especially in teenagers, but the introduction of social media and lack of role models for those with differences of any kind all added fuel to the fire. I became extremely introverted which is not in my nature.

There was one saving grace and it came in the form of  a best friend turned boyfriend. Now im cautious attributing my self-acceptance to another person or saying that it was a boy who ‘saved me’ as that’s very Disney circa 1940’s…. however it is the support and unconditional acceptance that he gave me that truly pulled me from that hole. For anyone who does experience a similar issue with their mental health you will know that simply having that safe place where you can voice all those internalised thoughts and feelings is priceless. To hear those thoughts and all the negative self-talk out loud enables you to challenge the level of truth within them.

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I said I had never experienced bullying at the beginning of this post but that is a lie. I bullied myself for years. I told myself I was not worthy of being liked, accepted, loved and all for what… because I didn’t fit in a box society labelled as normal.

With my almost 30year old head I look back at this 15 year old me and I think what is it that she needed? What could have prevented this unnecessary pain that lasted years?

The answer is simple. She needed representation. She needed to see others out there getting on with life who don’t fit in that pre-set box society calls ‘normal’. People who don’t care what others think and challenge the impossible daily.

I want to be the person that 15 year old me needed. That’s why I have started this blog and am sharing what I never thought I would. I want to be one of a growing number of individuals who are brave enough to show their difference to the world and challenge the impossible.